I went to school, ya know. I went to grammar school and once we were taking a test and I was copying this other kid's paper, and I guess the teacher heard my xerox machine. She said, "Emo, am I stupid or were you cheating?," and I said, "Ah, yes and no." She sends me to the principal's office and I get there and sit down and he looks at me and says, "Emo, Emo, Emo." I said, "I'm the one in the middle, you drunken slob." He said, "Emo, how would you like to repeat the fifth grade?" I said, "I don't know if I could do it exactly, but I could try." He said, "I could expel you!" I said, "You'll have to catch and eat me first, ya wierdo." He said, "Emo, you'll have to see the school psychologist." And I said, "But why do I have to see the school psychologist?" So he shows me the petition. So I went to the psychologist and he says, "Emo, what does this inkblot look like to you?" I said, "Well, it's kind of embarrassing." He said, "Emo, everyone sees something silly. Don't be embarrassed. Tell me, what does this inkblot look like to you?" I said, "Well, uh, to me, um, it looks like, uh, standard pattern number 3 in the Rorshach series to test obssessive compulsiveness." And he got kind of depressed, so I said, "OK, it's a butterfly." And he cheered up. "And what does this inkblot look like?" I said it looks like a horrible, ugly blob of pure evil, that sucks the souls of men into a vortex of sin and degredation." He said, "No, uh the inkblots over there, that's a photo of my wife you're looking at." "Oh, was I far off?" He said, "No, that's the sad part." And he gave me a chocolate easter bunny and I ate the bunny, then I thought, hey, this isn't easter. "Is this a test?" And he said, "Yes." "And what does it mean?" He said, "Had you eaten the ears first you would have been normal. Had you eaten the feet first you would have had an inferiority complex. Had you eaten the tail first you would have had latent homosexual tendencies and had you eaten the breasts first you would have had a latent oedipal complex." "Well...go on, what does it mean when you bite out the eyes and scream 'stop staring at me?'" He said, "It means you have a tendency towards self destruction." I said, "Well, what do you recommend?" He said, "Go for it."
I was walking across a bridge one day, and i saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. so i ran over and said "stop! don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!" He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well...are you religious or atheist?" He said, "Religious." I said, "Me too! Are you christian or buddhist?" He said, "Christian." I said, "Me too! Are you catholic or protestant?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me too! Are you episcopalian or baptist?" He said, "Baptist!" I said, "Wow! Me too! Are you baptist church of god or baptist church of the lord?" He said, "Baptist church of god!" I said, "Me too! Are you original baptist church of god, or are you reformed baptist church of god?" He said, "Reformed baptist church of god!" I said, "Me too! Are you reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1879, or reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1915?" He said, "Reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic scum", and pushed him off.
The toughest time...in anyone's life...is when you have to kill a loved one just because they're the devil.
I ran three miles today, finally I said "lady take your purse."
I'm a great lover, I'll bet.
People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?"
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
...and always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said "A truck!"
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.
Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash.
I was walking down the street, something caught my eye...and dragged it fifteen feet.
I went into Gus's artificial organ and taco stand. I said "Give me a bladder por favor." The guy said "Is that to go?" I said, "Well what else would I want it for?"
You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...damn anthropologists.
I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky---but there wasn't any gum under any of them.
The other day a woman came up to me and said, "Didn't I see you on television?" I said, "I don't know. You can't see out the other way."
Emo Phillips was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless driving. When brought before the judge, Emo was asked if he knew what the punishment for drunk driving in that state was. His reply: "I don't know, reelection to the Senate?"
I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming...They don't know I'm only using blanks.
I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off me, you two!"
I met this woman in a bar. I said "Come back to my place." She said "Do you have cable?" I said "No, but the rope should hold."
At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said "If you'll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you've been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference."
A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.
You know what I hate? Indian givers...no, I take that back.
I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord, in his wisdom, didn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked him to forgive me.